Before diving into the
final article of this series, I believe it worthwhile to briefly revisit the
four preceding discussions.In
those articles, we explored the tenets of Choice Theory as developed by William
Glasser.According to him, human
beings have a total of five basic needs.The needs we have discussed thus far include Fun, Freedom, Power, and
Love & Belonging.If you want
copies of these articles, please contact our office staff.
According
to Choice Theory, we who live in developed countries such as the USA have the
means to meet the majority of our physiological needs most of the time.While American society is not without
the problems of homelessness, mal/undernourishment, and poverty, a significant
amount of energy is devoted amonghealthcare professionalsin
particular to diminishing the effects and/or prevalence of problems resulting
from over-indulgence.Most of us
have heard that, in the United States, obesity has reached epidemic levels,
even among children.Our political
debates revolve around the distribution of wealth, and many television
personalities speak critically of CEO's and industrial forces that take up what
they believe to be too large a share.
One
element of our survival need is our need for personal security.In the Declaration of Independence,
human beings are affirmed as being endowed with the right to "Life,"
as well as "Liberty" and the "Pursuit of Happiness."The Second Amendment to the
Constitution is often cited as an assertion of a citizen's "right to bear
arms" in order to defend his or her family.Throughout our country's history, we have rallied in support
of our armed forces as they fight to "defend freedom" around the
world.Our legal system generally
allows for physical violence, provided it is done in self-defense.This writer believes it is safe to say
that, as a people, we are generally very concerned with ensuring our personal
security and/or safety.
Now, I certainly do not mean to suggest
that defending one's life or defending the values of this country are invalid
pursuits.I, for one, take great
pride in knowing that I live in a country that advocates the cause of freedom
for its people.I do, however,
wish to point out a simple truth that a great many of us seem unwilling to
enter into our awareness with any sort of regularity, unless we are forced to
do so by tragedy or loss:
This
truth is that death is an absolute certainty.We are all, to a soul, going to die one day.
This
writer wonders if, in a collective effort to avoid being reminded of this
truth, some of us live under the yoke of fear.In order to alleviate our fear of death, we may buy more
guns, install a home security system, take self-defense classes, or refuse to
leave our homes altogether.Furthermore, for some of us, fear is what drives our spiritualities.We attend religious services, adhere to
a moral code, pray, and act charitably in order to alleviate our fear of
damnation.As we pour energy into
controlling our destinies, perhaps we move further away from the true meaning
that lies at the core of these behaviors.As we try to ensure our freedoms, we sometimes become prisoners of fear.
As
a therapist, I frequently challenge individuals to surrender their desire to
control outcomes and eventualities in order to facilitate a greater sense of
joy and gratitude.By dispensing
of our fears, perhaps we become free to enjoy our realities.To be clear, I do not suggest that we
discard common sense.I do,
however, believe it necessary that we examine our fears regularly.I encourage the reader, as I encourage
my clients, to work to identify what they are afraid of, decide whether it is a
reasonable fear, and ask themselves what the benefit of surrendering that fear
might be.
In the first three
articles of this series, we discussed the human needs for power, freedom,
and fun.As a therapist,
much of my work revolves around helping individuals, couples, and families
discover ways by which they can meet these needs more consistently.My rationale for addressing these needs
first is simple:the needs for
power, freedom, and fun are largely individualistic pursuits.That is, fulfilling these needs is
typically our own responsibility - not anyone else’s.In contrast, the fourth need of human beings, the need for love
and belonging, is fundamentally linked to other people.
It is widely assumed that human beings are
social creatures.As such, we
spend a significant portion of our time doing things like engaging in social
discourse, pursuing and maintaining relationships, and learning how to become
better conversationalists, friends, or mates.But why do we
invest such energy into these activities?Why do our relationships mean so much to us?
One theory is rooted in biology.According to many biologists and/or
evolutionary theorists, as the human animal has persisted over the ages, it has
been required to find effective ways by which to survive in a dangerous
world.Like many mammals, human
beings are thought to have discovered that grouping together increases an
individual’s chances of living through difficult circumstances such as food
shortages or the risk of becoming prey.In fact, this behavior continues to be encouraged by self-defense
experts (i.e. partnering with others when in dangerous neighborhoods, using the
“buddy-system,” etc.).Also, in
order to propagate the species, it was required that human beings reside in
close proximity to one another.
Another theory rests in our spiritual
identities.According to most
religious texts, human beings were created to be a representation of a higher
power.The Judeo-Christian
tradition specifically asserts that human beings were created in the image of God, and that a primary
purpose of this life is to establish a healthy relationship with God and with
others.In addition, Buddhism,
which adheres to a more atheistic view of reality, suggests that the path to
enlightenment is more readily accessible when we are in harmony with others as
well as ourselves.Most religious
beliefs place a heavy emphasis on gathering together and engaging in fellowship.
Also,
most psychological theories are in agreement that the basis for most
psychopathology or mental illness is rooted in relationship problems, past or
present.Reality therapy in
particular asserts that all long-lasting psychological problems are
relationship problems.Countless
studies have been conducted on how human beings relate to one another and
entire scientific fields, such as sociology and anthropology, have been
established on the foundation of human relationships.
In
the last article, I revealed my interest in etymology (the study of the origin
and meanings of words).As such, I
think it important that we look at the word “love.”Merriam-Webster defines love as: “a strong affection for
another arising out of kinship or personal ties.”Webster defines kinship as: “a group of
persons of common ancestry.”Conjoining the words love and kinship, it can be inferred that all human
beings, being members of the species homo
sapiens, share a common ancestry and as a result are likely (if not
guaranteed) to, at some level, love one another.Perhaps it is our identity as members of a biological and/or
spiritual kinship that drives us to love and to need love.
The previous two articles in this series addressed the
human needs for freedom and fun.As we come to understand the importance of these principles in
establishing good psychological health, it is likely that we come to wonder how
we may better enforce their manifestation in our lives.Perhaps this is where the third need
delineated by William Glasser’s Choice Theory comes into play.This third principle refers to our need
for power.
As
an amateur etymologist, I greatly enjoy learning about the history behind the
words we use in everyday conversation.In working with clients, I often find that using an approach based on
general semantics (i.e. efforts to change the way people talk about life
factors) has a significant impact on their emotional state regarding any given
circumstance.Choosing the correct
word for the circumstance or experience can cause a change in perception and a
change in mood.Therefore, for the
sake of this article, it is vital that we understand the meaning of the word
‘power.’
The
English word ‘power’ is descended from the Anglo-French word “poer,” which means, “to be able.”The primary definition of power, as
Merriam-Webster defines it, is “[the] ability to act or produce an
effect.”As human beings, we know
that we have autonomy, but just how do we produce happiness or satisfaction for
ourselves?
This
author feels it is safe to say that throughout history many abuses, on small
and large scales, have been done in the name of power.In an effort to control our world or
our happiness, we have perhaps purposefully, perhaps inadvertently, created
distress and hardship for others.Some ways that we have done this include criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and
bribing.When we employ these
strategies, the end results are usually the same: diminished trust in each
other and lingering resentment towards each other.Glasser suggests that these are “Deadly Habits” as
expressions of personal power.
He
suggests that a more effective demonstration of power is to utilize what he
calls “Seven Caring Habits.”These
are: supporting, encouraging, listening,
accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences.It is through the use of these
strategies that we sustain our connectedness with each other.(Connectedness will be covered in more
detail in an upcoming article).
Choice
Theory lists ten axioms, or core truths, as being central to understanding the
human experience.This article is
primarily concerned with the first three, which are:
1.The only
person whose behavior we can control is our own.
2.All we can give
another person is information.
3.All long-lasting
psychological problems are relationship problems.
Healthy expressions of power,
as understood by Glasser, are expressions that are not designed to
control another’s behavior.I
challenge myself, my clients, and you, the reader, to consider our behaviors in
our current relationships.Is it
possible that we use an authoritarian approach in our relationships by trying
to control others?And, if so, are
our relationships marred by discord and are we, ourselves, dissatisfied?If this is the case, assuming
responsibility for ourselves and expressing our power in ways that are
respectful of other’s autonomy may be the way to bring an increased measure of
peace and harmony to our lives and our relationships.
In America, our need for freedom seems
self-evident.Our Declaration of
Independence proudly asserts that we Human Beings are endowed with “…certain
unalienable rights, and that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”In the course of our collective history, freedom is a
recurring theme.For the cause of
freedom, songs have been written, books have been penned, and wars have been
fought.However, not all in this
country or even in this world agree that they feel free all of the time.Why is this?
The first article in this series discussed the
importance of having fun.The
existence of this and four other needs are asserted by William Glasser in his
Reality Therapy model.According
to Glasser, all human behavior is “geared toward getting things we want [in
order to] satisfy one of more of our [five] basic human needs.”The second of these needs, freedom,
will be discussed in this article.
Freedom, as defined in the Merriam-Webster’s
Dictionary, is “the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or
action.”In other words, to be
free is to be totally autonomous and without obligation.But does this state of being truly
exist?Are any of us ever
absolutely free of obligation?I
imagine that, when it comes time to pay our bills, we would all likely believe
that we could use a little more “freedom.”
In my work as a therapist, I regularly encounter
individuals and families that operate with a deficiency of freedom.I consistently hear that people feel
surrounded by systems that limit our ability to meet our need for freedom.In our romantic relationships, we
sometimes carry on generationally influenced assumptions about the different
roles of man and woman.In our
families, we institute “house-rules” for our children.In our occupations, most of us are
abundantly familiar with protocol and procedural rules and regulations.
Now, before you decide to stop paying your
mortgage or quit your job, this writer would like to assure you that the
purpose of this article is not to encourage irresponsibility on the
basis of need-fulfillment.Rather,
it is important to recognize that fulfilling
our obligations is simply ameans to
achieve a greater sense of freedom.Once we take care of the constraining variables and obligations, we are,
by definition, free.Out of our
drive to achieve freedom, we can choose to behave in particular ways.Maybe the question is not so much about
how immediately we experience freedom.Instead, it is likely about the path we choose to get there, which can
be rewarding in and of its self.As some therapists are fond of saying, “the journey is just as
important, if not more important,
than the destination.”
One theory of psychotherapy, Reality
Therapy, postulates that human beings are very much responsible for their own
thoughts, behaviors, and feelings.The inventor of this theory, William Glasser, argues that human beings
are not passive players in a predetermined existence, but active and driven
creatures pursuing desired ends.It is the nature of these desired ends, or needs, that this and the
following articles seek to further explore.
According to Reality Therapy, human beings
strive through their every decision to achieve the fulfillment of five basic
needs.Meeting these needs is
considered vital for an individual to establish psychological health.One of these needs, fun, is admittedly
a very relative concept.For
example, some people consider watching TV for several hours to be very fun.For others, this may be a maddeningly
wasteful use of time.For some,
hiking up mountain trails and competing in athletic events is fun beyond
measure.For others, this level of
strenuous exertion is the epitome of tedium.Glasser would suggest that, regardless of the individual
conceptualizations we may have regarding fun, it remains a basic need for all
of us.
As a therapist, I often sit in amazement as I
listen to the many and varied responsibilities and obligations with which my
clients contend on a daily basis.Attempting to balance their roles as parents, employees, sons, daughters,
friends, and members of the community, it seems perfectly natural that they
would come to feel overwhelmed and exhausted.I sometimes ask individuals to “walk me through” a typical
day.What I often discover is an
almost total absence of fun activities.Perhaps this is something we can take from Reality Therapy; that, in
reality, we need to have fun.As
the forthcoming articles will explain, we likely also have a need to feel
productive and purposeful.However, as we come to better understand each of Reality Therapy’s five
basic needs, perhaps we can find a way to achieve a balanced approach.In the meantime, I might suggest that
you go have some fun.
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